My Therapist Just Flirted with My Husband

Triangulation. That’s your vocabulary word for today, and if you’ve ever been in couples therapy, it matters. Triangulation occurs when two people in a relationship are constantly in conflict and at each other’s throats. The emotional tension becomes so unbearable that one person tries to bring somebody else into the relationship just to diffuse that tension. For example, it’s one parent complaining to a child about the other parent, painting themselves as the victim. It’s one friend trying to get a mutual friend to take their side in an argument with their other friend.

Triangulation is what makes couples therapy exhausting and difficult for a therapist—and ineffective for the couple seeking help. Months before I began studying counseling, my husband and I sat on a therapist's couch. He had already commented on not liking this therapist, but I was willing to give her a try. After all, people aren’t perfect.

When our therapist asked my husband how he felt about something I had said, he responded to her rather than to me directly. On the rare occasions she asked me a question, the same thing happened—I spoke to the therapist instead of to my husband, despite him being right next to me. We left each session feeling as though we’d spent an hour gossiping about each other over a back fence.

In the middle of our second session, the topic of the MBTI personality test came up. When the therapist heard my husband’s personality type, she leaned toward him with a warm smile and said, “What is it like being a unicorn?”

“What just happened?” I thought. “My therapist actually flirted with my husband right in front of me?” My MBTI personality type is even rarer than by husbands, yet when I shared mine, she completely ignored that fact. Our therapist had become triangulated, clearly favoring one partner over the other when the rules of effective therapy demand neutrality. Unfortunately, this is a common dynamic in couples therapy.

Six months later, I was watching the Level 2 training for Gottman Couples Therapy. Speaking to therapists-in-training, Dr. Julie Gottman shared a personal story. She and her husband, Dr. John Gottman, couldn’t find a way to compromise on an issue, so they sought out a counselor. Within the first few visits, it became clear the marriage counselor favored John over Julie. As a result, the Gottmans—both psychologists themselves—cancelled the remaining appointments and returned home to find a better way to discuss their disagreement: whether or not to buy a vacation house in the woods. From this conflict emerged a new intervention: The Dream within Conflict.

It might seem trivial, but arguments like these can really blow up a marriage. For example, my husband and I fought about shirt color for more than a year. You’d think that sharing the same religion would mean we'd have more in common, but the opposite was true. We viewed our religion completely differently. At our church, a ceremony had historically required the young men performing it to wear white shirts. Although this was just a tradition—and officially changed years ago—after moving to Springfield, we discovered that some local church members were still firmly stuck in this archaic practice. And I mean stuck.

I had recently learned about The Dream within Conflict intervention, and it seemed perfectly suited to our situation. I sat down at dinner next to my husband and said, “I need to know how you really feel about this. Go deeper.” What was the underlying value behind the shirt color? What did it truly represent to him? We talked about it openly. I shared how strongly I disliked teaching our children empty religious traditions rather than true worship. I didn’t want them to become hypocrites who wore white simply to look good publicly, even if it meant nothing in their hearts. He explained that we were in a new place, navigating a different culture, and it wasn’t worth offending people over something as minor as shirt color.

Through this conversation, I found that I respected my husband's perspective. I respected how much he valued the people around him. Likewise, he could respect that I wanted our children to genuinely understand goodness rather than merely appear good outwardly. An argument that had lasted more than a year was settled in just two days using this Gottman intervention.

I was using a very short version of The Dream within Conflict, but it conveys the basic idea. Gottman Couples Therapy integrated a critical concept from Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy—the first evidence-supported couples therapy. In EFCT, partners speak directly primarily to each other rather than to or through the therapist. By adopting this dyadic (partner-to-partner) approach from Johnson, Gottman therapy significantly reduces the risk of triangulation. Couples thus experience positive communication and deeper understanding during therapy.

Gottman therapists often act as coaches. Alongside their dyadic approach, the Gottmans introduced interventions like The Dream within Conflict and many other insightful, well-researched tools. Beyond specific interventions, their research highlighted the need for couples to take intentional steps to strengthen their emotional bond, which in turn enhances physical intimacy, creating a holistic approach to addressing relational distress.

Gottman and EFCT models of counseling are both well researched and effective for the majority of couples. Studies have shown that 70% of relationship conflicts are perpetual and may never be fully resolved. The key lies in learning how to look beyond the conflict itself and reconnect with the person on the other side. If you’re considering couples therapy, knowing what to look for—and what to avoid—can make all the difference.