Trauma in Parenting and Couples

“Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you.”

― Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture

As a counseling student, I’ve encountered this idea repeatedly: trauma lives in the body. The Gottmans, along with other psychologists and researchers, understand why. In Gottman Method couples counseling, it’s referred to as diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) — what most of us would describe as flooding. In Forward-Facing Trauma Therapy, stabilization is the first step. Real progress can’t happen until the autonomic nervous system calms down, and the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response stops taking control.

When someone is traumatized — or even just triggered — their body isn’t in “thinking mode.” It’s in survival mode. Until that alarm quiets, healing remains out of reach.

Treat must be treated in the body before the heart and mind can heal.

Stress, Flooding, and Relationships

The Gottman Institute has studied couples for decades. One of their core findings is that flooding can predict relationship breakdown. When partners are flooded, their heart rates spike, stress hormones surge, and the parts of the brain needed for connection, empathy, and problem-solving effectively shut down.

This is why arguments escalate. It’s why “nothing I say is right,” and why repair attempts fail when we’re in that state. The Gottmans also point out that outside stressors don’t stay outside. Chronic stress — from work, finances, parenting, or health issues — seeps into the relationship. This primes both partners to flood faster and recover slower.

Stress alone isn’t trauma, but chronic, unrelenting stress has a cumulative effect on the nervous system. Left unchecked, it can contribute to what researchers now understand as complex posttraumatic stress (C-PTSD). Prolonged states of dysregulation leave deep emotional and physiological marks.

The Parenting Connection: What PTSD Research Shows

One of the clearest demonstrations of how trauma “lives in the body” comes from research with U.S. military families. Studies show that fathers with active PTSD symptoms are more likely to use harsh or coercive parenting. Their nervous systems are on constant high alert, and that state spills over into family interactions.

But here’s the hopeful part: when fathers receive trauma treatment and their symptoms calm, their parenting improves. In some studies, treated fathers didn’t just return to “baseline” — they became more engaged and responsive parents than before. The difference wasn’t in their love for their kids; it was in their ability to regulate their nervous systems enough to show that love consistently.

Contempt, Stress, and Divorce Risk

If stress and trauma affect our nervous systems and our ability to connect, it’s no surprise they also impact relationship stability. The Gottmans’ research highlights contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce. Flooding and chronic stress often set the stage for contempt to take root.

Couples under stress tend to have harsher starts in conversations, shorter fuses, and fewer successful repair attempts. Over time, these patterns erode trust and intimacy, allowing resentment to grow. This doesn’t mean stress dooms a marriage, but managing stress — together — becomes a critical protective factor.

Breaking the Cycle: Calming the Nervous System

The encouraging news is that the body can learn safety again. Trauma therapies often start with helping clients build regulation skills — deep breathing, grounding exercises, or somatic practices that teach the nervous system what calm feels like.

In couples counseling, Gottman-trained therapists coach partners to recognize flooding and take intentional breaks. These aren’t avoidance tactics; they’re nervous system resets. By stepping back long enough to calm the body, couples give themselves a chance to reconnect instead of react.

Educational Gottman Couple's Workshops

At Garden Refuge Counseling Center, we believe in the power of education and community support. Our upcoming couples workshops will delve into the science and techniques behind DPA awareness and control. Participants will learn how to prevent stress from escalating into contempt. These workshops are practical, research-based, and designed to give couples actionable tools they can use right away.

The Takeaway

Trauma, stress, and relationship strain are deeply interconnected — but none of them are life sentences. Our bodies may carry the weight of what we’ve survived, but they can also carry healing.

Learning to recognize flooding, calming chronic stress, and seeking evidence-based support can interrupt the cycles that keep symptoms active. Whether you’re a veteran learning to parent without hypervigilance, a couple learning to repair after flooding, or simply someone trying to move forward from a season of relentless stress, the first step is the same: calming the body so the mind and heart can do their work.

Healing with The Garden Refuge

At Garden Refuge Counseling Center, opening in the coming months, our counselors will be ready to walk with you on your journey toward healing. We aim to help you calm your nervous system, rebuild safety in your relationships, and rediscover hope for your future.

In October, we’re also hosting two couples workshops where participants will learn the science and techniques behind DPA awareness and control — so that stress doesn’t escalate into contempt. Stay connected with us at www.gardenrefugeil.org for updates on our grand opening and registration details for the October workshops.

References and Resources

• The Gottman Institute. Flooding and Conflict Avoidance

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

• Chesmore, A. A., Piehler, T. F., & Gewirtz, A. H. (2018). PTSD as a moderator of a parenting intervention for military families.

• Lester P, Liang LJ, Milburn N, Mogil C, Woodward K, Nash W, Aralis H, Sinclair M, Semaan A, Klosinski L, Beardslee W, Saltzman W. Evaluation of a Family-Centered Preventive Intervention for Military Families: Parent and Child Longitudinal Outcomes. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016 Jan;55(1):14-24.

• Forward-Facing Trauma Therapy