I'll Have Your Back

It was one of those moments when life goes into slow motion. I watched my Muslim friend wearing her hijab (modest clothing including a scarf around her head) flinch in pain. I think everything went into slow motion because my mind kicked into high gear at that moment. As a child in Sunday School, I memorized this statement written in 1842: *We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Those words didn’t come to mind because I had already integrated them into my moral code. They were already a part of my character as a Freshman in high school. I didn’t need to think about my response as the boy continued to yell, “What's that thing on your head? Why are you wearing that? You like looking like a freak?” in a mocking voice.

My friend was already thin and frail. I watched her getting smaller and weaker with each insult he hurled at her. Then everything came back up to speed as I stopped walking down the sidewalk, turned to the boy across the street and screamed, “You had better shut up before I come over there and make you!” The boy looked stunned, like I’d just slapped him in the face. He turned and walked away.

The next thing I was aware of, was my friend gripping my arm tightly with her hands, “I can’t believe you just did that!” she said ecstatically. I was stunned and still fuming. We continued walking down the sidewalk, but now she had a jubilant hop in her step.

“Why do you put up with that? I would never let anybody talk to me that way.” She told me that it happened all the time at school. “Not when I’m there they won’t. They shouldn’t talk to you that way!” We had been friends for years at that point, but I’d never seen an attack like that. To be honest, I had a reputation as being a girl who could stand up for herself, so people in our peer group knew - but that middle schooler clearly thought we were weak girls who couldn’t defend ourselves.

That’s a long story to make a short point: When it comes to working through spiritual or religious trauma, your therapist can and should have your back, regardless of whether or not they share your religious beliefs. As a Latter-day Saint Christian, I’m not going to pretend that every therapist is tolerant; we’re human. However, there are therapists out there who can meet you where you are and support you without judgment. I defended my friend’s right to believe and  express her religious beliefs according to her desire, because that is how I live my beliefs. 

If my friend were to come to school the next week and say she was done being a Muslim, I would want to carefully explore if her choice had anything to do with the persecution she experienced. I would ask how the choice to leave her faith may impact her family relationships. I would ask about potential traumas she’d experienced in a religious context from her own religious group. I would then explore what she personally knew about the doctrines of her faith. 

In short, I would try to give her a safe space to work through the many layers and meaning of her religious beliefs and lifestyle. In the end, I would want her to feel confident in her decision to leave or return to her faith. I would want her to have time to process the hardships she’d experienced in a religious or spiritual context.

Therapy should be an alliance between you and your counselor. You deserve to be heard and not judged. Faith choices impact many aspects of our lives and the lives of our loved ones. You’re not weak for asking hard questions; you’re brave for wanting to live honestly as you seek answers. You deserve a therapist who honors your courage and your right to choose.

*Smith, J. (1842). Articles of Faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Article 11.