A New Approach to Affair Recovery
- Araxie Jensen
- Jul 8
- 2 min read
Updated: Jul 12
When an affair is discovered, it often feels like the whole relationship shatters overnight. Betrayal like this doesn’t just sting, it can cause trauma symptoms that look a lot like PTSD: nightmares, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, sudden panic, numbness. The Gottman Method is one of the only well-known couples therapy approaches that tackles the aftermath of infidelity as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Why Treating Affairs as Trauma Changes Everything
In the Gottman framework, the betrayed partner isn’t just “hurt,” they’re treated like someone recovering from a traumatic emotional injury as real as any physical one. Drs. John and Julie Gottman even talk about “post-infidelity stress disorder” because the parallels to PTSD are so strong.
So rather than just “talk it out,” the Gottman Method uses a step-by-step process:
Atone - Fully facing the betrayal. This process has no time limit - it takes as long as it takes.
Attune - Understanding and rebuilding emotional connection.
Attach - Re-establishing trust, intimacy, and safety.
This structure helps couples move out of shock and secrecy into honest repair, not by minimizing the pain, but by working through it directly.

So Does It Actually Work?
A recent pilot study put the Gottman Method to the test against typical couples counseling. Here’s what they found for couples trying to heal after an affair:
Relationship satisfaction: Gottman couples saw their satisfaction climb by about 12% — while couples in general therapy actually dropped a few points.
Breakup risk: Couples using the Gottman approach reduced their risk of splitting up by nearly half, compared to only a small dip in the other group.
Trust: Gottman couples showed around 17% more improvement in rebuilding trust.
Sexual connection: Intimacy and sex quality improved about 25% more than standard approaches.
Conflict kindness: When these couples had tough talks, they showed twice as much warmth and positive emotion, instead of stonewalling or defensiveness.
The Gottman Method won’t magically “fix” betrayal, but compared to whatever might or might not happen in normal couples therapy, it gives hurting couples a clearer, trauma-informed roadmap to recovery. That structure can make a real difference when the stakes are highest.
Final Thoughts
Most therapists never get detailed training on how to handle infidelity or how deeply traumatic it can be. That’s why a structured plan like the Gottmans’ Atone, Attune, Attach method stands out: it doesn’t brush trauma under the rug or try to normalize infidelity. It helps couples build something new from what’s broken.
If you’re facing the fallout of infidelity, there are methods of help that honor just how much was lost, and allow you to move through a mourning and healing process. Healing is possible when both partners truly show up.
References
Gottman, J. M. & Gottman, J. S. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. The Gottman Institute.
Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A Pilot Study Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Method Couples Therapy Over Treatment-as-Usual Approaches for Treating Couples Dealing with Infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81–94.
Schneider, J. P., et al. (2012). Couples Recovery from Infidelity and PTSD.
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