Neurodivergent Summers from Hell

"Wait a second, I think it's raining." I told my sister who was on the phone. I squinted at my kitchen window and saw water falling down, but not like rain.... and then I realized the water wasn't outside, it was inside. I ran upstairs to find that in the ten minutes I'd been on the phone, my neurodivergent son had flooded the upstairs bathroom. That was only one of hundreds of disasters I tackled that summer.

Summer can be a beautiful time of freedom: no school routines, long days, plenty of time together. But for many families with neurodivergent children, summer also brings a different kind of challenge: less structure, more transitions, and frequent moments when emotions run high.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, "Why is everyone melting down? Including me?"  You’re not alone. This is where understanding something called DPA can make a world of difference.

What is DPA?

DPA was a term coined by Dr. John Gottman which stands for Diffuse Physiological Arousal. That’s just a scientific way of saying your body’s nervous system has flipped into survival mode. You may have heard this called "fight, flight, fawn or freeze."

For neurodivergent children, DPA can happen more quickly or more often. Sensory overload, unexpected changes, too much social interaction, or even exciting activities can trigger it. Here's the thing, as a parent, you are not immune from DPA. When your child is having a melt down, that is likely to trigger your own survival response. Your heart races, your muscles tense, your vision narrows, and in that you are physically incapable of problem solving effectively. Suddenly, you're both reacting, not relating.

Two Simple Tools to Calm the Nervous System

When you or your child notice emotions rising, the first step is not to fix the behavior, but to co-regulate, helping both nervous systems come back to center so your reasoning mind can take over. There are many grounding techniques available, but here are two tools we've found easy to remember and helpful to bring your thinking mind back on track:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise: This is a simple way to pull attention back into the present moment by engaging the senses. Here’s how:

• 5 things you see. Look around: colors, shapes, light, objects. Name them out loud.

• 4 things you can touch. Feel textures: the fabric of your shirt, the chair, a pet's fur, your own hands.

• 3 things you hear. Notice distant sounds, background noises, your own breath.

• 2 things you can smell. Sniff the air, a scented lotion, or a favorite candle.

• 1 thing you can taste. Even just a sip of water can count.

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By walking through these steps slowly, your brain shifts attention away from overwhelm and into safety.

Breathing Colors (especially for younger children)

For younger kids, abstract breathing exercises can feel confusing. Breathing colors turns it into a visual game:

• Breathe in your favorite peaceful color. (Calm blue, gentle pink, soft green.)

• Breathe out your least favorite, "angry" color. (Spiky red, stormy black, yucky brown.)

You can even have them imagine the colors swirling or filling a balloon as they breathe. This creates both a physical and imaginative release of emotion.

Why This Works

Dr. John Gottman described how people get “flooded” when emotions rise. In his research with couples, he found that once people cross a threshold of emotional flooding, usually 100 heartbeats per minute, it becomes almost impossible to have a productive conversation until both partners calm their nervous systems. 

Although Gottman studied married couples, these same principles apply in any relationship, including parent and child. When both bodies are regulated, connection becomes possible again, and connection is the goal.

You can't always prevent meltdowns or stressful moments, but by watching for signs of DPA in your child and yourself, you can respond more skillfully. Simple tools like 5-4-3-2-1 and Breathing Colors give both of you a path back to calm. Every time you practice, you’re strengthening your child’s ability to regulate and your own.